Loving someone puts me in the position where sometimes I don’t realize I’m able to do. I tend to give all of me when it comes to loving, name it my time, care, love and many, but without putting myself aside. In my language people tend to call me “bucin” since I sometimes show my love in a big amount people could notice. When I love someone, I close doors to other men and tend to mind my own business and the man I choose. I put myself, him, and us first. I may appear friendly and flirty but when I already pick one guy, I’m able to devote myself to only him. Experiencing brokenhearted many times, I’m getting okay and understand that those guys who broke me are the ones that dont deserve to experience my “loving someone” kinda thing. I will still be someone who love much without expecting, cause I believe the love we give to people somehow will return to us in the right amount, be it from the person we love or others.
As I’m aging and growing up, I also grow my selflove stronger. Several times I became too stupid because of love, do things thats not so me for the sake of the man that I love. I feel sad and somehow worry If I’m gonna disappoint the man and make him leave. I stop letting that to happen. I cut the toxicity to come, from whoever that may harm me. I want to love but stay sane in the lane. I want to love someone who’s good for both of our mentality. There’s a saying, love yourself in the way you want others to love you. I felt that. We can’t expect others to love us unconditionally or with the conditions we want if we dont do it to ourselves. I want the man to put himself first,I’ll put me and myself first, then we put us after.
When loving someone, I will pay extra attention to him. I notice what food he likes to eat, his eating habit, his stories, what he hates, the trauma, his dreams, everything he told me before I notice. When loving someone, I give that person freedom cause I dont want him to take mine. I will let him do his things and live his daily life normally, hanging out with friends or working out, same way goes to mine I want him to let me do my things too. It’s healthy that we both have our own space too. When loving someone sometimes makes me lose my sense, turn into somebody stupid for making careless decisions, I want my next love to be someone that both are my safe space and also adventure.
When loving someone, it feels like digging your own grave with a happy heart
I’m not scared to do it when the right one appear, probably soon
Cheers,
Anggi