A Confession of a Jobless Girl

I love rain 🙂

When it’s raining people tend to be honest and willing to remember any of those painful yet the thing they miss the most. Same as mine, I get that kind of resounding memory syndrome too. The thing is, I write down all the things that come in mind without filtering them during this resound rain writing. I put the earphone in left ear while the right ear can hear those calm sound of raining outside. And my hands on fire writing in my screen.

                Well, to be honest as a jobless people nowadays I feel my life’s in burden. Waiting for TKD that hasn’t come yet, I’m tired of those internships life and go home. Although my willing to stay in Bintaro never dies, well the money deposit that force me come home. After got my plan to climb several mountains cancelled as the rumour of the exact date of TKD come and it’s just ended up being unclear till now. Oh my God, this badluck keeps going If I just wait like fool. I’m looking for activities to kill my boredom while staying home. It’s mental breakdown If I stay doing nothing and people keep asking am I on my days off. Stay away from me people, I’m tired of that fuckin annoying question.
                As you know I am the type who love sleeping, but love activities in real world outside too. I run upon the hills several times, join a fitness club with no program. I wanna have slim body. But, I still eat a lot like pig.  The other side I wanna sleep more. Ah, fuck you Anggi what do you want?!#@#@ Hahaha I’m sorry for messing the writing. I join that fitness thing and come as I want to run, run, and do some exercise as well. I even spend my saving to buy a pair of well expensive shoes but I love them much *denial. Okay, I gain weight despite my wish to lose em. Arghhh, I wanna be slim. I have to run moreee :<
                Being in this crowded house, having ehm underage kid as my bro is quite fun and annoying at the same time. Where can I find peace when everyone is noisy and have quarrels all the time? Ya, this is it that will make me miss these people called family when I’m faraway from em. The good thing for staying home is I’m becoming more religious *I’m not telling this on purpose you know* but the effects are good. At least I realize more that I still have God and my religion. Ramadhan is near, and thanks for this thing I won’t starve myself for food during the fasting month. I will come back to Bintaro as soon as Idul Fitri over. Ah how I miss everyone ~
                Having routine activities waking up not so early, eating, watching drama, sometimes running and several times coming to gym, going out with my pals sometimes. You can say I enjoy it but I don’t really like it. Why? I’m lonely I hate it. Why do neighbour girls around my age get married, or pregnant, or having babies. Ah, I don’t want to end up being like them too early. I’m still young, I don’t wanna get stuck like that. Ah, when is TKD be held? Again, the question comes to my mind. I’m going crazy~
                The thing that makes me crazier being a jobless people is this thing. Crying over the thing that hasn’t started yet but it’s already over and I’m still craving for it. Well, you can call me crazy. Call me blind, whatever my love stories always end up being suck anyway ~ If you are my close friend you know who the person I’m talking about. Ya, it’s a guy. Don’t think I’m a lesbian because I’m single all the time.
The guy, not one I mean so many hahaha it’s nothing now. Every single of my love line end up being suck, like this one. Every guy I was close to ended up having relationship with another girl, having different beliefs with me, friendzoning me, couldn’t melt me down or whatsoever, the ending always tears me apart HAHAHAH. The thing that lately break me I don’t know whether it’s already my end or not ah but it’s over now. A lot of things happened between us, it wasn’t my fault If I considered it more. He’s being too manipulative anyway, my friends said we both aren’t like “just friends” anyway  I was getting used to spend my time w him without realizing it. Ah, too many things happened but nothing now. Maybe I was just his runaway place after breakup, or another distraction who has many sharing moments. Hahaha
                To be honest I met him months ago before coming back from Bintaro, it was my part to drag him accompanying me eating. Well, we talked, ate, but the warmth I used to feel before has fallen down to ashes. I couldn’t recognize him anymore. It’s like on off button, us. To be honest, several friends still ask whether I’m still with him or not and that makes me sick. They think we are dating, oh no we were alike . But we’re actually not. And know we’re separated thousand miles away but I don’t understand why it should burden me? He’s not that into me, knowing the facts he chases other girl. I don’t care bout this, I like someone else too. A guy I used to see at the train station. But the thing that keeps coming to my mind lately, him. Get the hell out outta my head!
I keep staring at my pc, looking one by one of the pictures taken several months ago. It was exciting back then, but remembering  what condition now it’s kinda make me more sad. I even kept my distance to him and acted like he’s dead for three months. I hate it when his ex put the blame on me for us being that close. I stayed away from him but, I failed. It was me who’s unable to hold myself straight. I tried to go out with him several times, but it didn’t work well.  He’s already a stranger now. I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking. It’s just my feeling. No, I can’t believe that everything’s over. And the fact he’s chasing another girl it’s irritating. HAHHAHA I finally understand what “ Friendzoned” feels, I unconsciously friendzoning others without me realizing it and know I finally understand what it’s like to be in that zone.  And I’m a bit late to realize that maybe I like him, a little. Maybe.

Pity, care or tired seeing me in a condition like this, several friends of mine try to tie me with several guys but it ended up nothing. Maybe it’s going to work If they pair me with that guy in the train station HAHHAHA I’m just kidding. I have no interest with guys lately, I’m still in my craving for old time mode when I write this.
Bruno Mars : I want you back, I want you back ~ *backsound
Me                 : Shut up bit#h! * but keep listening to the song*
                People say, by writing you becomes immortal. Others say, writing helps you reduce your burden and well for me it works. For now.. Finding Mr Destiny is quite hard for me, realize the fact that I’m picky, easily get bored and lose my feeling towards someone I have to enjoy my time freely and happily. You know it’s no good If I’m getting into relationship with the person I’m not excited to. It’s going to scratch that person. Alone is better anyway, so many times I say this and being bullied. It doesn’t matter than being in a boring relationship, I’m sorry to say this. I will have my time now, I’m getting over every failed loveline of mine. Goodbye~
I will find one when the time has come, so classic but ya it is. Just wait, and be better me time by time. God still loves me for not giving me opportunity to ruin my status. He wants me to be better and meet better guy maybe. Who knows? J
Love is not a maybe thing
You know when you love someone
-Lauren Conrad-
And I will know why it never works with the other,
The relationship,the feeling, compatibility
and everything………

Written by a jobless girl under pouring rain,
A corner of Magelang parts,
Wednesday, June 25th 2014