Mental health problems can be known in the form of worries or anxieties we have daily to a long term conditions. There are also several issues happen as a result of the mental health problems. Semakin hari kesadaran akan mental health semakin baik, banyak yang akhirnya menyadari issues yang dimiliki dan mencari bantuan professional demi kesehatan yang lebih baik.
People start to be aware that mental health is as important as physical health. Even after the Joker movie and some other movies with mental health issue, I saw how mental health is a serious issue we should care. Some of my friends give me recommendations to try seeking for professional help. So here I tried it with the therapy.
After a long thinking, I get to see a psychologist and try to understand my issues more. I’d like to talk about my own issues since mental health disorders are various and mine is in different areas. I will talk about the wounded inner child in me since it’s the one who carry me the whole time and grow up this way. The issues I am carrying with myself are several traumas I got when I was younger and delayed depression. Eventhough they aren’t hard issues in mental health but different areas, these affected me till grow up. At this point and latest state where I feel like my life feels boring, less motivated and nothing excite me like before bring me to the psychologist my friend suggest me.
When I first say I wanna go to psychologist, many who found it taboo will tell me to bring myself closer to God and pray more. Some say do I turn crazy or losing my sanity, while the reality isn’t like what they think it is. It’s not always about religion or something in the area. I care about my own state and try to understand this body and mind before stepping into another life stage and throw away all mental trash I’ve been bringing when growing up. The therapy I choose is the common psychological treatment, called psychotherapy or talking therapy. I have three sessions that required me to talk much, which is the thing that I like to do, talking. One session full of talking, the other two sessions I do are throwing away the mental trash with the help of my psychologist. It’s so hard to take me taking out the trash since my body and mind aren’t welcoming the method much.
Things I did in the therapy require me to write down things as my lifeline from the ups and downs, my psychologist help me to tap away the mental trash by some methods that this body somehow refuse. “Bayangkan kejadian yang paling membuat terpuruk dan saya adalah orang yang sangat menyakiti mbak.” ” Gak bisa Mbak, saya ga bisa mbayangin, gak bisa nangis ataupun marah, blank.” How strong the mental block that build me, bahkan ketika dalam terapi perlu bermain peran sungguh sulit dilakukan karena all I ever think ya ngapain gue mbayangin dan nangisin wong udah lewat. Sudah kelewat realistis dan skeptis harus dengan cara lain biar sampah emosinya bisa keluar. So she choose another method to help me throw away the mental trash and such. Nangis pun cuma beberapa tetes air mata tapi lumayan membantu.
Speaking of the issues I have, traumatic childhood, the bullying experiences, and commitment issue are major things that haunt me the whole life. Two years experienced bullying at school age and the strict parenting style my dad did turned me into someone though in life. We all raised in different ways tho, I am still grateful to be raised that way but not after the incidents I’ve been through. Punya bapak galak masih mending ketimbang dibully ketika sekolah, kelas yang seharusnya menyenangkan jadi neraka buat bocah SD yang baru saja kena luka bakar harus masuk ICU dan dirawat di Rumah Sakit. Her life felt like a hell already but having no one to defend was painful to remember. I still remember one worst day the guys kicked, pushed, slapped and ruined me in the class while no one take a stand. A wounded child will carry the hurt until she grow up and it happen. I grow up being a rebel as long as I get to be with my friends with me and I am happy. I don’t realize that stay always happy isnt good, negative emotions still needed anyway.
Have you been in the worst condition when loving yourself is the hardest thing to do and all you wish is to die? It was painful and sad, but it happened. I later accept but hating myself sometimes, it just dont feel good to cover up in my puberty age. How is it feeling when people just focus on correcting you but not trying to understand? Sucks. Another condition I wanna get rid is commitment issue that I have. During my early age and even when I’m growing up as adult, closest circle is also the cause that bring me to have the issue. Being betrayed or lied to by close person was awful, cutting them off is never in mind but keeping them without fixing the broken trust will cause more toxic. How can I trust a man and stay committed when trusting is difficult to do again. My psychologist say the issue I have and the unideal figure will cause the almost same character to keep coming and be a test to me somehow. Sifat yang tidak kamu inginkan dari bapakmu akan berdatangan dari laki laki yang mampir ke kehidupanmu. And it happened but well I absorb all the lessons. And take the side effect of it by having difficulties and sceptical to having a commitment.
I see somehow marriage isn’t beauty like many people potray to me, just showing me the good side to push me into it without telling me the other side. Nikah Nggi, biar ena ena, biar ada temen hidup, biar punya anak, biar ini biar itu, biar ada yang nemenin ketika tua as if unmarried is a bad condition. I see many unideal conditions of marriage life somehow, living in poverty or rushing into marriage when not ready, seeing divorces around me, abusive life partner or bad things in marriage life makes me think again of my wish to marry. Half of me wanted to settle down with the one, half of me doesn’t want it. It’s just that after my friend marriage it feels I need to marry, but after some more time I dont want it again. Gimana sih rasanya ditinggal temen temen nikah, antara pingin juga tapi setelah beberapa hari keinginan itu ilang ah ga pengen juga. I have fear of commitment and I try to resolve it, I feel the happiness when seeing a happy wedding day, seeing people around me welcoming their new born, or watching more youtube videos that show me happy family do exist and I keep myself wanting it. I forget the hatred I carry to those guys who disappoint or breaking my heart before and move on, trying to date but keep breaking up. It’s okay Anggi, try again, not this one, go on with another one. Kata temen temen, tetep dicoba Nggik jangan sampai kapok dan ga mau membuka diri lagi karena aku tau nanti kamu ga akan nikah kalo udah kapok ama cowok dan ga keep keinginan nikah itu tetep ada.
Another issue that I have is delayed depression. Delayed depression appears as a resut of a deep pain but the response appear later. I experienced some that show this thing to happen. My worst heartbreaking leaving me numb and shed no tears while it’s a sad thing that happen. I show no emotions and just staring blankly at the room when my bestfriend tell me to cry hard. Bengong bego dan otak ga banyak merespons
Dan sekarang efek setelah terapi, tidur lebih berkualitas dan nyenyak dan lebih tenang. I accept all emotions not only the positive, when sad I will take my time to sad, then happy again when it’s time to laugh again. I try to understand my wounded inner child more to heal. I know the wound is still there but you keep doing good my dear inner child. I nurture her more with good gratitude and positive words. I dont force myself to be happy always, just like the day before I take the therapy. I know toxic positivity isn’t good forcing ourself to stay happy, our emotions are vary. I defend myself when people start to cross my line, or take a stand for other who need when I am around and able to help. If people teach me to be like this person that person, I strictly refuse it why copying others. Ya emang anaknya keras ga klemar klemer ga bisa disuruh berubah jadi yang bukan diri sendiri. I will not change just because other correcting me or tell me what to do. Be good and stay good to others without abandoning the red flag other people show me. I forgive everyone and I’m healing myself, so my future partner and kids could see how this woman at least doing some effort to stay alive and hang on to all bad situations or happy ones she’s having.