I am just in the mood of going everywhere but my pocket won’t let me. Nowadays guys around me, the judgemental environment, same routine, boring situation and less enjoy so many times driving myself crazy. I keep thinking the unecessary things. I keep stressing myself unconsciously. I smile happily but not that wide when boredom strikes me. I become the person I say I don’t wanna be. I grow becoming sceptical, I lessen my words and show not so nice expressions when I don’t feel like it.
Traumatical experience in the past keep haunting me these days, the grieving sometimes coming in again. I wish I never been in that situation, I wish I never get in the accident, I wish I grew my hair nicely and wear every clothes I want and date any guy I want, I wish I join many sports competition and many things I should’ve had achieved. But they are just those “I wish” kind of thing, not the reality happen. Scars happened during childhood is the worst thing. It shapes what my personality now, the thick headed, funny, moody, friendly but sceptical me. I love people sincerely but many of them don’t give the same amount I wish. I hate people half heartedly since I believe that people can trully change. For the people hurting me in the past I already forgive but not forget. For the people who still stand beside me till this time, I can never be grateful more.
I do keep living my life day by day, but some parts of me keep wondering. Do I live the way I really want? Do I make good deed to many people? Am I worth the fight of somebody to be with me? Do I deserve the goodness in life I wish to have? And many wondering mind I can’t control. I feel like living dead, empty feeling keep emerging in my lungs and I grow sceptical more and more each day.